Discipleship is a Listening Affair

“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger…” - James 1:19

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” - Epictetus, Greek Philosopher — (also, your mom, probably)

I tend to have a good memory. Well, occasionally I have a good memory. Let me rephrase all of this: I have a tremendous, but selective memory. This means if I think really hard I can clue in on about half of the content when I remember conversations and experiences from the past. Not all memories, but some important ones. “Matt, what a unique and semi-helpful superpower you have,” I know you are thinking. When I was a kid my parents called it selective hearing, and my teachers called it something else, but I can’t totally remember what. (That was a joke—stop laughing and keep reading).

I have a perfect example from seminary: my professor taught us about a man who was considered to be the smartest person in the entire country in which he lived. He was a Christian who helped lead many people to faith in Jesus over his lifetime.

His name? You guessed it: I have no idea.

What I do remember, however, is the quality that many people attributed his great success to. His profound and enigmatic skillset centered on one specific practice. He asked good questions, and listened well, having already made the decision that he was truly interested in what the other party had to say, no matter their status or stature. By having a genuine desire to learn from anyone he interacted with and a goal of making each person he talked to feel valued, this man changed eternity for a great swath of souls. One person at a time, conversation by conversation, he made an eternal impact on an untold number.

This story levels the playing field for any average follower of Jesus. And let’s be honest… all of us are simply average followers of Jesus. When first hearing his story, I remember thinking that this story both flattens the landscape of who is capable of making disciples while also raising the bar for each of us and our responsibility to live on mission.

If you have confessed faith in Jesus, repented of your sin, been baptized, and received the Holy Spirit, you have been called to make disciples. Jesus has not given you a task that can only be achieved by a kind of Christian elite. The Great Commission to make disciples of all nations is not a call for a select few. And while this does not cancel out your responsibility to grow in wisdom, knowledge, and tact, you are already equipped with the greatest tools of potential impact you can possess: those two waxy holes on either side of your skull.

The staggering impact of this man’s life caused me to assume he was a wildly gifted man with a giant platform. For some reason in my brain, I am tempted to believe our humble and meek Lord chooses to solely use the loudest, most extroverted, and most educated of His sheep as a catalyst for the growth of His flock. I picture Jesus’ church like a few peacocks in a land of chickens. The problem with this picture — other than a demented and somewhat unclear simile — is that it categorizes Jesus’ body into categories of useful and not (or at least, less) useful.

Even if this man had Einstein’s mind and Shakespeare’s eloquence, it is clear that his most compelling witness to others was his capacity to listen and care.

It would appear that the quote above by Epictetus (and co-opted by many of our mothers), has more truth in it than most of us would want to admit. It is not our capacity to wrestle someone into intellectual submission, our social gravitas, or our ability to bridge the gap of cultural relevance that shows the love of Jesus. Our greatest gift and most effective tool in making disciples and raising them to be disciple-makers themselves is our willingness to listen when others speak! Your best skill is Jesus’ imputed humility used in your life by sitting in the courtyard of another’s life.

James, addressing the topic of anger and righteousness, offers a salient point that applies beyond his specific consideration. Christians are called to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. It is not our job to be in control, nor is it our job to sway the hearts of others. Our job is to love (see the Upper Room Discourse, John 13-17), and to let God work through our love. Our words should always convey what is true — we cannot shirk the responsibility of speaking up for the Truth — but that does not mean that we are called to always be talking. I think James’ phrase should remind us that most of us can do more damage to Satan’s kingdom by increasingly listening and speaking less.

Here is the really practical question: Are you a good listener?

In considering the innate connection between friendship and discipleship, we find an overlapping characteristic of a good friend and potent disciple-maker: the art and discipline of listening. Listening goes beyond hearing; it is our capacity to remember and recall what others have said. Unlike my natural tendency, we are called to be holistic, not selective listeners.

How often are you bogarting conversation? Do you hear your voice more than the voices of those you are speaking to? Ask those nearest to you if they feel heard by you. Seek those you spend the most time around and inquire whether or not they feel you deeply care about what is going on in their life; if you are the type of person who asks questions and remember what they have shared with you previously.

And absolutely do not assume you have a healthy self-awareness without gathering evidence from those who know you.

Lastly, how well do you remember what others have said when you have been listening? One of the worst friends is someone who listens in order to speak and only closes their mouth long enough to rebut or one-up. A characteristic of someone who will continue to fail to love others is the inability to remember the things that others hold close to their hearts. Recalling the little things makes people realize they are loved. This is another example of how friendship does not end when your friend leaves the room; an out-of-sight-out-of-mind friend generally lacks credibility when they are back in sight. When they are not around, do you pray for, think about, and stew on the answers that others have given you?

This type of friendship over the long haul is not easily faked.

A famous neuroscientist recently stated that we remember what we assign value to. If we have a deep and lasting purpose for something, it is more likely to stick in our brains. We remember how to drive a car because it is information that has to be remembered. We do not forget our own birthdays because it is our special day. That being said, if we do not see the value in learning and better loving others, listening, remembering, and keeping others on our brains when they are gone will not likely happen.

Do you truly value what others have to say? Do you see the deep, eternally-lasting importance of listening to others and remembering their answers so that they might better learn what it looks like to walk with their Savior?

There is no way of getting around it: discipleship is a listening affair and you have been given the capacity to love others by practicing it. Your willingness to listen to others will expose your heart for them and to them.